Take it off, sir
by akiko-dono
Summary: What happens when all of SG1 gets drunk and happens upon the idea of strip poker? Insanity, that's what!


**Why I wrote it: **Because my current fic is being difficult with the seventh chapter and I just can't make it work right now. And I had this great idea that it would be HILarious to watch SG-1 play/ teach Teal'c strip poker. After many beers, of course.

**Disclaimer: **They're not mine. And no amount of wishing is gonna change that. _sighs_

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"Come on, guys, it'll be fun!"

Sam laughed at Jack. There was a half eaten pizza sitting in the middle of who knew how many empty beer bottles. Teal'c as usual, was generally unaffected, but the rest of the team had reached their limits. Daniel: two beers. Sam: four and a half, finishing the fifth. And Jack…well, he'd lost count at around six. And so it had seemed a great idea to teach Teal'c a new version of their favorite card game: strip poker.

Finally answering Jack, Sam shrugged, pulling out the very loved deck of old cards. "Alright. Danny, can you deal?"

Holding a beer for no purpose; he was _way_ past inebriated, Daniel replied. "I'm drunk, Sam, maybe a little tipsy, but not incapable. Of course I can deal."

Teal'c took his cards after giving his sixth card to Sam who had only received four from their oh-so-capable dealer. He inquired about the rules, and Jack "intelligently" answered.

"There's lotsa versions of it, but they way I've always played is that the winner picks a person and that person has to remove an article of clothing of their choice."

"What is the point of this game, O'Neill?"

Jack exchanged two of his cards, drawing their replacements. "Because it gives us something to do when we're drunk, Teal'c. Just play."

Shrugging, Teal'c drew his last card, showing his hand. "Three of a kind fives."

"Pair of eights, king high," Daniel commented.

Sam smirked, laying down her hand proudly. "Full house, three queens, two jacks."

Jack just watched her smiling; thoroughly enjoying the "I know something you don't know" feeling he was currently high on. After much ado, he laid down his hand. "Full house. Three kings, two aces."

Sam looked at his hand in disbelief, and then at her beer. She knew what was coming. Draining the rest of it, she heard the amusement in his voice loud and clear.

"Take it off, Carter."

To humor him, she unbuttoned the top of her BDUs, revealing a tight, ribbed white tank top underneath. "You're just picking on me 'cause I'm the only girl."

"Well I seem to recall that just because your reproductive organs are on the inside—"

Sam cut him off with a well-deserved punch in the shoulder accompanied by laughter and a friendly command. "Deal."

Jack eyed her as he did so, secretly wishing he was better at poker than he was. As Daniel and Teal'c both folded, Jack revealed a pair of 9s. Sam laid down 3 of a kind 2s, pathetic, but it beat him.

"Take it off. Sir."

He had to know it was coming, but still it was kinda corny. Not caring, he copied her, shedding his camo top. After a few more rounds, Daniel and Teal'c were sporting the same look, white undershirts and all. Sam was killing them at poker, and as soon as she beat Jack's flush with a straight flush, he exploded.

"Come _on_, Carter! Jacob couldn't have taught you, how the hell did you get so damn good at poker?"

Smirking and raising an all-too-proud eyebrow, she opened another beer she'd regret in the morning while trying to explain. "I had a few friends at the Academy…"

Jack didn't ask. He just looked at her, his yes begging. Daniel was already down to his pants and one sock, Teal'c had on his undershirt that Jack had begged him to keep on ""The whole 'X marks the spot' deal still kinda creeps me out.") and his boxers, and Jack had lost both his socks. "Don't do it, Sam."

"Oh come on."

"No way, Carter."

"Come on…"

"Nuh-uh!"

"You've still got your boxers. It's nothing I haven't seen before!"

"I should say not," Daniel blurted.

Sam glared at him. "We change in the same locker room, Daniel. Nothing more…" she was less than convincing, and so went to attack Jack again, finding it unnecessary as he was already sliding the BDUs off his legs. "Good choice, Colonel." She laughed and hollered, quite apparently _way_ past drunk, clapping her hands. "Ow OW!"

Jack knew that shouldn't turn him on, but it did. Stomping his foot on the ground, he yelled afterward.

"Dammit! I just kicked my cell in my pocket. Hope it didn't break."

"Or worse. You coulda called Hammond."

They all laughed at what he'd say, but Jack assured them all that, "It's off. I'm pretty sure it's off."

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Hammond's cell phone rarely rang when he was on duty, but when he picked up, he didn't get much of a response besides hysterical laughter to his greeting, "Hammond."

Listening closely, he identified Jack's voice. "It's off, I'm pretty sure it's off."

"It'd better be. Hammond would flip if he saw us like this." That was Carter. What in the hell was going on? He listened some more.

"Yeah, he'd pretty much kill us. Court marshal, no doubt."

A little laughter, and some silence. Sam spoke again. "Gimme the undershirt."

"Oh come on, you're just picking on me now."

"Are you arguing with me, sir?"

A short silence. "No."

Hammond jumped as Teal'c's voice came on the line. "Perhaps Daniel Jackson and myself should leave, Colonel O'Neill."

"I know what you're implying, Teal'c. Sam and I are friends who work together. That is all."

Daniel snorted. "Yeah, that's why you're sitting next to her at your house in nothing but your boxers."

Hammond hung up. He'd heard enough…he needed to make a house call…"

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Jack threw Daniel's statement back I his face. "So are you!"

Daniel looked at himself. "Oh yeah."

Teal'c asked a very relevant question. "Colonel O'Neill, what happens when a person has no more clothes to remove?"

"Dunno. Never played that long before."

Teal'c would soon have his answer, as after a few more rounds, the guys had all lost their socks and Sam pointed at Jack after revealing her royal flush.

"No. Way. In. Hell. Carter."

"Come on, it's the rules."

"Make T take his shirt off!"

"Nope. We told him he could keep it on. Take 'em off."

"Nuh-uh!"

This wasn't the scenario Jack had envisioned when he brought up strip poker. He made a dive for Carter, who was giggling shamelessly. "Gimme your shirt!"

"What?"

"If I'm sitting in my boxers, you're losing the shirt! It's not fair!"

"It's fair, you just don't like it!"

He tried to calm his voice. "Come on, Carter. Play nice…"

She got up from the table, trying to make a break for it, still laughing. "No!"

Jack started chasing her around the table, laughing as much, if not more than Carter. As they kept chasing, Daniel started chuckling, and even Teal'c was suppressing a laugh. When Sam stubbed her toe on the chair, jack caught up with her and grabbed hold of her shirt, then trying to pull it up over her head. Daniel lost it as Sam tried to get away without realizing he had a hold of her, sending her hurling back into Jack and both of them tumbling to the ground. Jack held the shirt over his head triumphantly as Sam's head landed on his chest. The door opened and slammed; Jack froze as he and Sam could both see who'd walked in. Daniel and Teal'c watched the light dance on the bald head of their infuriated boss, and both of their military friends' CO.

Hammond looked on the now silent situation. Sam had lost her shirt, which Jack was holding, but the rest of SG-1 were sitting in their respective boxers. No one moved as the color that left their faces flushed bright red in that of General Hammond His fuming posture sobered them all up _real_ quick. There were a plethora of things to say, so many questions to be answered, but nothing came out of his mouth. Hammond was too much in shock to say a word. Jack looked at him, thoroughly aware that Carter was still laying on his chest, but he still didn't move. She felt his voice vibrate against her back.

"Hiya Hammond. What's up?"

Hammond found his words. "What in God's name is going ON here Colonel?"

Jack shrugged. "Strip poker, sir."

Hammond glanced at Carter, whose bright read cheeks and ears were a stark contrast to the white bra she was sporting. He fumed at them.

"You'd damn well better have an explanation for this by 0600 tomorrow or…I don't even _know_ what I'll do to you."

"General Hammond—" Carter tried.

"Just…be in the briefing room on time."

She nodded, thoroughly ashamed. "Yes sir."

The door clicked in its frame, and they all heard Hammonds mutterings and his car leave Jack's driveway. Jack swore he heard a cricket chirping. Carter moved from his chest and looked at him, dread written all over her face. "We are so-o dead."

Daniel shook his head. "Oh yeah…pretty sure it's off my _ass_, Jack."

Jack shrugged. "Well…seeing as I'm in trouble anyway," and pulled Carter into a kiss, quite unexpected by everyone except her. Not that she was resisting or anything. Daniel was quick on the draw. "I'll change outside, no thanks, I can drive," and their archaeologist friend was gone. He opened the door again and said, "Teal'c? Want a ride?"

"Indeed."

They left the lovebirds kissing, but Sam stopped him. "Jack, this will never work."

"Probably not."

"One of us will have to retire eventually."

"_I'll_ retire eventually."

"I wouldn't ask you to do that."

"You don't have to. Just kiss me again."

Carter knew she shouldn't, but like he said…they were already in trouble. She felt herself answer, reaching for him. "Okay."

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When Carter walked through the halls of the SGC that morning, she knew the kind of looks she was getting. The whole fiasco had probably spread like wildfire, and she knew it was true when a bunch of airmen stopped laughing as soon as she crossed their paths. She stood up to them, waiting for her salute. "Nothing. Happened."

As she left, all they did was smirk.

Carter took her seat in the briefing room across from Jack and Daniel, sitting next to Teal'c. Daniel was nursing a headache with a bag of ice from Janet, but Jack popped a Motrin and was fine. As he swallowed his glass of water, he addressed his 2IC. "Hey Carter? How much money do you think we could make if we got 10 of the money exchanging hands in the gambling pool here?"

"What?"

"Oh yeah. I caught Johnson slipping Siler a twenty on my way here."

Daniel didn't comment, he simply nodded his head. Teal'c spoke, as well. "I, too, have noticed bills of large quantities bet upon our actions."

Jack motioned to his friend. "Thanks for the back-up, Teal'c."

Hammond entered the room at that point in time, and Jack and Sam stood to salute. "As you were."

After exchanging glances, Sam and Jack returned to their seats, awaiting the worst. Hammond cleared his throat.

"The only reason I know what happened last night is because of Jack's cell phone, as I'm sure you've all figured out by now. Now technically, I can't punish you because all that happened was a card game that got a little out of hand, so no, there will be no court marshals today," Sam breathed a sigh of relief, but Jack knew there wouldn't be all along.

"However…you people _must_ understand by now how everyone in this base looks up to you because you are our flagship team. If you keep things like this going, we all know the rumor mill around here, and things could get out of control. You should be more responsible about this if you'd like to keep your highly esteemed position of respect that you've earned from everyone here. Do I make myself clear?"

Sam felt like she was being reprimanded by her father, but she joined everyone in saying, "Yes, sir."

Hammond turned to Jack now. "Now Jack, nothing else happened that I should be worried about, did it?"

Jack stole a glance at Sam before returning his full attention to Hammond. "No, sir. Nothing I'd regret, sir."

Hammond shook his head once. "Alright then. I have a mission for you to help with your…unique situation, as I do feel that there needs to be some sort of punishment for what happened…"

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The commissary had never been so full of laughter. The entirety of SG-1 was standing behind the food, serving all their co-workers amongst much mockery. Janet went so far as to drop a deck of cards at Jack's feet and ask if they belonged to him, which caused him to refuse to serve her Jell-O. Probably the most hilarious thing was Teal'c in a hairnet…but the Jaffa didn't seem to mind. The most humiliated was Sam.

"Jack, can you believe this? We're going to be the laughing stock forever!"

"Probably," he sighed, "But there is one perk to this."

She eyed him, arching an eyebrow. "What?"

He opened up what he'd stolen from Janet, grabbing a spoon. "Free Jell-O."

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Hope it wasn't too bad, I had a GREAT time writing it! Let me know what you all think!

…ahem…that means review…:P


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